Category Archives: In the Press

You scream. I scream. We all scream!!! Understanding Crisis Part 4

The rush and thrill of riding a rollercoaster inevitably thrusts a person to lose all dignity and composure. Without warning, from deep in your gut comes out a shrill shriek of fear or delight. At home, this often happens – an emotional explosion which erupts as fiercely as a volcano – usually resulting in tears, angry words, storming off and finally apologies. This is especially true when emotions are raw during a crisis season.

Just as adults need to work through the rollercoaster of crisis – firstly understanding what it is, where you are in the journey and what you are thinking, feeling and doing – you as an adult and parent can also assist your child to work through their own experience of crisis.

Children experience crisis in their own way as well. Often we can misunderstand their behaviour as defiance, tantrums or disobedience, when in fact it may be an expression of insecurity, overwhelming emotion or dysregulation. Things that cause you as an adult crisis, may not factor in your child’s life – yet the simplest things that we overlook, may cause great distress for your child.

So even though you may be seated next to one another through this roller coaster of crisis, you are likely to engage in a very different experience.

How can you help your child get through a crisis?

Connection – Love is safety

Just as we need grounding and a moment to pause, so do our children. The best way for a child to feel at ease and safe is in the care of their loved ones.

Moms and dads, hold your child. Spend time playing with your child. Listen to your child. Let them have a moment with you where they know: All might be in chaos, but right now, I am safe! Use these moments of connection to help your child express their feelings. Reassure them that they are heard and validate their feelings. Be empathetic and see the world through their eyes. Communicate what you see in them, so that they are able to recognize what they are going through.

In doing this you give them a ‘snap-shot’ of their experience.

Consistency – Regain a sense of normalcy

When everything feels out of control, one of the best ways to create a sense of normalcy for a child is to engage with a consistent environment.

What are some of your child’s favorite toys or games – use these to comfort and connect. Maintain the morning and evening routines, as best as possible. Create a basic daily plan that helps you and your child know what can be expected in a day.

Be consistent in your discipline and emotional responses – big freak-outs, rash punishments or pushing things under the rug do not help. Instead put a few guidelines or rules in place, with consequences. When these are overstepped, give the consequences calmly and consistently. Allow your child to experience their anger towards these consequences, then once things have calmed down talk about their choices, their feelings and more appropriate responses. Remember to connect with affection and remind them that they are loved unconditionally, but that specific behaviour is unacceptable.

When things go pear-shaped (because we all lose it sometimes), own your own role in the fall out, apologise and work through the steps of explaining your own feelings, unacceptable responses and how you would do things differently. Allow them to do the same and reconnect in a meaningful way.

Can dos – Develop coping skills

Help your child figure out what they can do in a situation. After feeling connected and safe, help them to develop the skills and tools they need to take action and regain control of the little that they can.

Give them the opportunity to come up with ideas and manage their own boredom. Let them try new things (within safe boundaries). In your routine, give them the opportunity to decide on certain activities for the day. Chores may be a bore, but it helps them develop real-life skills, and can be fun with some creativity. Go for a walk, in the garden. Create an obstacle course in your house. Play board games or do home science experiments – let them learn through trial and error, losing and learning, and problem solving. Read stories and ask them questions “between the lines”, what/how/why do you think…? Ask them what would make them feel better/safer and help them work practically towards that.

As we all sit together on this rollercoaster ride, let me encourage you to engage in this process as both an individual and as one rider surrounded by many others. Make time daily to be alone and process where you are at. Step back and look at the situation with fresh perspective – a snapshot of your own experience, from the view of others, through the eyes of your little one. See what action you can take today to manage the moment you find yourself in.

Reach out to the people in the seats nearest to you – especially your children, engage one another and come together in this time of fear and insecurity. At some point the roller coaster must come to an end. How we experience the ride and how we disembark will depend on how we handle the journey now. Don’t do it alone. Let’s do this together! Perhaps as we come to the other side of this ride, what started as the ride from hell, turned out to be one hell of a ride!

Fasten your seatbelt… Understanding Crisis – Part 3

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Fasten your seatbelt. We’re in for a bumpy ride!

As the rollercoaster of crisis gains momentum we may find ourselves experiencing a multitude of responses and feelings. However, before you seat yourself there are usually a few rules which are communicated for your safety. It’s been a while since I’ve ridden one, but if I remember correctly, it usually follows the idea of – remain seated for the duration of the ride, ensure safety belt is secured properly, keep hands and feet inside the cart at all times, etc.

How can you get through a crisis?

Each person’s journey through crisis will be different, and this post is not a one-size-fits-all or a total solution, and professional consultation is recommended if you find yourself overwhelmed. These 3 steps will assist you in being able to identify where you are at and taking a step in the right direction towards resolution.

STOP – Breathe. Ground yourself.

While this won’t get you off the rollercoaster in reality, you need to take a moment withdraw from the crazy, quieten your body and mind and take a ‘snap-shot’ of where you are at.

Practically this may mean withdrawing for an hour or so to think and reflect. You may need to do this daily – or more often.

Take a walk (under lockdown, without a garden space this might not be an option)
Go into a room alone (again depending on your space – you may just need to sit in a space and ask family members to leave you alone for a few moments. Or you may need to do this when everyone is sleeping)
Breathe deeply and slowly
Practice mindfulness – use your body senses to ground yourself in reality (hear, feel, see, smell what is around you at present).
Meditate or pray – be attentive and intentional about what you are thinking about – bring your scattered thoughts to one idea

ASSESS – Recognise what has changed and your understand your current reality

In view of the roller coaster, you need to get a still photograph of the scene. With an external perspective you are able to see things differently and with clarity and begin to wade through the various elements that need to be tackled. Use the questions from my previous blog post “In case of emergency…” to assist with this.

Once you are able to get a look at your situation, you can begin to reflect on where you find yourself and why. Some elements are concrete – something has changed, and brought with it consequences which may or may not be uncontrollable. Some elements are intangible – our perceptions, emotions, our future actions or what-ifs. These need to be identified and paired with actual skills, tools and strategies that we have or may still need to develop.

Part of assessing the situation is also to be able to recognize both the positive and the negative. Crisis can be both a period of danger and an opportunity for growth. The practice of gratitude can help you as you look through your situation and recognize what is good.

ACTION – What one thing can you do right now?

Once you have identified where you are at, and once you are able to see possible options, you need to make decisions. What one thing can you do? Implement it. That’s one step towards resolution. Now look at the next one. Action often starts out small. It may simply be calling a friend and being honest about not being ok. It may require discussing a plan with your partner to take turns engaging the children so the other can work, creating a routine that allows quiet play or tv time to allow for work to continue, or space to self-care. It may mean picking up the phone and making an appointment with a counsellor or psychologist (via online or telephonic means at this time). It may require you to create a daily budget and meal plan. It may require you to contact your employer or bank. It may mean an hour of uninterrupted play with your children before picking up your cellphone or turning on the computer or TV. It may mean rethinking how you do business.

Often in times of crisis we become introspective and can disengage others. One action plan may be to recognize what you have, and see how you can meet someone else’s need. While you may not have answers for yourself, you may be the answer to someone else’s crisis, and that empowers you to live beyond your current limitations. Why not make contact with your domestic worker or employees a few times a week to hear how they are doing, and encourage them. Consider donating to the solidarity response fund (the little you have may be the answer to someone else’s nothing – and together our little can add up to a lot). There are many creative ways in which we can still engage with others in this time.

So as we live through the thrashing, jolting and gravity defying twists and turns of the current crisis we face, engage these few steps and be present in your ride. Who knows how it will end? One hell of a ride? Or the ride from hell? Only time will tell. But your outlook, choices and actions will play a key role in your experience of it.

One hell of a ride OR the ride from hell! Understanding crisis.

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People respond very differently in a crisis situation. Over this last week, there has been a flood of emotion across all social media platforms, one-on-one conversations and in the way people carry themselves in public spaces. Today let’s look at what crisis is, how people respond in general and how you can work through it and help your children through it. (If you find yourself overwhelmed by crisis at present, please seek professional advice for your particular situation).

I imagine this particular crisis (COVID-19) as a roller coaster ride, in the middle of a hurricane, where there are no rules, the tracks are coming apart, the ride controller is nowhere to be seen and the passengers on the ride with you are all responding in very different ways – some of which appear to be making the ride even more dangerous. And at each loop, there appear to be multiple splits leading to who knows where?

The roller coaster presents us with flux from one moment to the next. At any given point, you may look at where you are and feel like “I’ve got this”, only to be thrashed around as you hurdle towards the ground at rocket speed – your stomach in your throat and your heart racing faster than the cart itself. You started off this ride clueless, a mere observer waiting in line. Perhaps initially you experienced thrills of laughter, now only to find yourself crying and screaming, holding on for dear life, knuckles as white as paint. At one point you may assess the situation, and respond with intellect and a well thought through plan, the next you may be undoing your seatbelt ready to jump for it, as it may seem safer. Or maybe, as you’re about to take reckless action, you realise this may not end well and tuck your head between your legs and brace yourself for impact, asking “How did I get here?”. Perhaps you are holding onto the person next to you, with tears in your eyes crying for them to “JUST DO SOMETHNG!!!”

Whether you experience anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, hope, determination, epiphany, ambivalence, detachment or dependence – your feelings are real to you, in this moment, right now. Feelings and actions may shift in a moment.

While we endure this commute of pandemonium, we need to also be aware that every other person on this ride is experiencing their own reality of this moment, and will respond in their own unique way. And this may add further twists and turns to our already vomit inducing ordeal. We’re all in this together.

At some point the roller coaster must come to an end. How we experience the ride and how we disembark will depend on how handle the journey now.

Over the next few days I will unpack what crisis is, how people respond in a crisis, how you can get through a crisis and how to help your children get through crisis.

While I do not have answers for the devastating situation in which we currently find ourselves, my hope is that these blogs will assist you in being able to view this situation with a different perspective and giving you small practical steps to apply now.

Fasten your seat belts – we’re in for a bumpy ride!!!

Thuma Mina: A response to COVID-19

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At Sunday afternoon lunch, we were still light heartedly discussing the issue of COVID-19. Trying to explain to one another how the virus worked in the body, reiterating hygiene practices, practicing odd gestures for greetings, guessing what measures would be announced by our president later that evening, philosophizing over life and death, trying to understand the impact of this virus among an already vulnerable people group, and still finding ways to explain all that was necessary to our children, for their safety without causing fear.

While I was well aware of the pandemic around the world, it doesn’t quite land with the heaviness it warrants until it’s in your back yard. Watching the news from around the world, even seeing posts on social media from friends abroad, watching the count of confirmed cases rise and charted on the map, it was always someone else’s reality and I was a bystander seeing it unfold.

Until the president gave his address.

Suddenly the full weight of the situation came crashing down around me. Travel bans, visas revoked, public gatherings prohibited – even these seem far removed from me personally.

The president discussed the realities of an economic crisis that loomed ahead and would take years to work our way back out again. Then limiting the use of taxi’s, busses and trains, and schools remaining closed until after Easter. Well that was going to affect me personally. And not just me, but dear people close to me who rely on these services to get to and from work. Work that does not pay much, but barely enough to live.

Now what? If one cannot work, one cannot earn, and without earnings one cannot live. If we struggle with such social ills and poverty in our land now, then what would remain after this disaster had passed?

And then the early discussion of the physical effects of the virus, life and death came flooding back – no longer a commentary from the spectators, but a discussion from within the danger zone. If we do not come together, … I cannot describe the dooms-day images that come to mind.

With my heart broken, my fear increasing, my adrenaline rising and the effort to hold back tears and keep steady as I put my boys to bed, I managed to get myself to a place where I could just absorb the reality. The reality that all I had known and all that I had planned and dreamed 2020 would be was likely out of the window.

But there amongst the ashes was an ember of hope – “Thuma mina”. Of course I could not understand the significance of its meaning immediately, but it was clear that it was placed in the speech purposefully. So I searched.

“Send me”, a song by Hugh Masekela, a legendary musician in our country. This is not the first time our president has alluded to this song, and this idea – Send me!

Based on a scriptural reference:

‘And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”’ – Isaiah 6:8

The song expresses the idea of being a part of the solution to the ills of our country through a helping hand and prayer.

In this crisis, called COVID-19, we have the risk of utter chaos and collapse, but at the same time the opportunity for hope and restoration. We can abandon all reason and give into fear, or we can stand together in love, selflessness and graciously act in generosity and for the greater good. We can further separate ourselves or come together (not physically, of course) in solidarity.

Our perspective of a situation determines our approach to it.

What will yours be today?

What does that mean for you practically?

The month of Application Mayhem!

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WCED school applications for 2021 open today.

When it comes to choosing the right school for your child, the process can be quite daunting and can leave a parent feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

School applications in the Western Cape open today, and the mad rush begins as parents scurry to secure a place for their child to have a successful future.

But what makes a child’s education and future successful? Does it all rest in the lucky draw of applications and getting into “the best school in the area”?

Choosing a good school is crucial, yes. Because it is in this place that your child will spend 5 out of 7 days per week with teachers, peers and an education curriculum that will mould their young experiences and direct their thinking patterns. But at the same time, as parents we hold just as much responsibility in creating experiences and influencing thinking patterns that will guide our children throughout their lives.

Perhaps you are sitting behind a stack of application forms, frantically completing the necessary questions, checking the fees structures and planning your route to and from school for 2021. Maybe take a moment – STOP – BREATHE – REFLECT!

What do you currently bring, and maybe need to consider bringing, to your child’s education and future? When your child is in your space, do you create opportunities for your child to learn, explore, question, reflect, critically reason, challenge, invent? Do you listen to your child’s words and see the world through their eyes, helping them to process, reflect, learn and grow from what has happened in and around them? Do you include your child in outside play, family sport tournaments, and rest and relaxation – help them face the disappointments of losing and the patience to wait their turn? Do you read to your child, ask them questions, hear their opinion, make up new endings?

Good schools offer children a place to learn reading, writing, history, science, etc. They offer support when a child struggles in their academics. They provide fellow peers where learners can engage with one another socially and learn the unspoken rules of life. They offer sport to challenge your child physically and socially. But learning is more than having opportunities presented to you. Learning is about taking those opportunities and sucking the marrow out of every bit. Learning is a life-long love for growth and development. It is not about making the 1st team, getting an A or being voted as “most popular”. It is about taking what is given to you, standing on it, and reaching for what is beyond you.

Many have gone to prestigious schools, have high paying jobs, travel the world, big homes, own the latest technology, but are falling apart personally and relationally. Others have been through the worst schools in the toughest neighbourhoods and have stable homes, committed friends and have steadily climbed the ladder towards leadership and influence, where they give back to their community and give others a firm foundation towards a better future. The solid foundations of learning and successful futures are birthed in the values that children – one day adults – carry internally. These values steer them through every experience and opportunity – exhilarating or challenging.

As you look back at your application forms, look beyond the academics and sport programmes, and listen to the heartbeat and values behind the school. Question your own values and the direction you want your child’s life to go? Are these two in alignment? Are there any changes that need to be made? Remember that together with a school, you are partnering towards setting up your child to draw out the best from life, to learn, to overcome, to grow and to succeed.

All the best for this month of application mayhem!