Life is a patchwork of friends

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Take a moment to recall some of your childhood memories. I’m sure that many of them contain at least one other person – a friend, an enemy, a family member, a stranger. Life is made up of moments where we engage with others.

From birth, children are in need of human relationship. At first, there is a complete dependency on our parents and caregivers. As we age we become more independent, but our need for relationship continues. A key aspect is developing a healthy balance of interdependence. Our experiences (good or bad) in childhood lay a foundation for our adult choices, including relationships. So learning how to form healthy relationships early on will guide children towards forming healthy relationships later in life.

Social skills, as with any skill, need to be learnt. For some it may seem to come naturally, while others need to diligently practice. Social skills also change as societal norms change. As parents we need to help our children understand and manage the social rules that guide interactions. 

Social skills cannot be developed in a vacuum, and therefore interactions with others are necessary. These interactions take place in any social setting, at home, with extended family or friends, in shopping centers, parks, walking down the street, driving in the car, etc. Anywhere where a child might come into contact with another person, social skills can be developed. Children learn from watching our interactions with others, and they learn from their own experience, with ongoing adaptions.

Peer relationships play different roles at different stages of childhood. This is because of children’s emotional, cognitive and behavioural development and how they are able to understand their own and other’s feelings, behaviours and perspectives.

  • In early years, friends are momentary – you’re a friend as long as we are together having fun.
  • In early primary school, friends are those people who do nice things for you.
  • Later in primary school, friends are based on social rules such as mutual benefit, but are often termed “fair-weather friends”. Falling out is common, and emotions are high, in-crowd vs out-crowd thinking comes to the fore.
  • Through primary school and into early high school, children can develop friendships with genuine care for the other person. More often it is in high school that children can develop friendships that last through thick and thin and that encourage character development.

So as a parent, reflect on how you interact with others. Are you portraying the social skills and values you would like your children to learn? Commit to making some changes if you need to.

Observe your children as they interact with others. Engage with them and help them to see what they are doing that is helpful or harmful in building healthy relationships. Let them practice by engaging with others and trying new things – greeting other adults (respect), saying “no” when they feel uncomfortable (boundaries), explaining their position on something when they disagree with a friend or sibling (assertiveness), having to share or take turns when others are playing with them (cooperation), etc. 

Help your child understand what kind of friendship they are involved in – this also helps them manage expectations. Is it momentary? Is it one-way? How do they feel? How do others feel? What consequences can they expect from their behaviour? How can they respond to other’s behaviour? How do they feel being on the outside? How can they help others feel like they belong? How do their friends help them grow in character? How can they help their friends grow?

As we help our children navigate friendships when they are young, we help them develop the tools they need for healthy interactions for life.

Living on the other side

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Expectancy – anticipatory belief or desire; thinking or hoping that something, especially something good, will happen.Is it any wonder we refer to the time just before having a child as “expecting”. 

 Some people have endured many months of frustration and worry, trying to fall pregnant. Others have simply been surprised to find two little pink stripes – followed by the words “I don’t know how it happened!” Many await a phone call, “The adoption has gone through”. For others though, there is no waiting. It’s a sudden shift in life, often in the wake of tragedy and loss. Regardless of how of the journey of parenthood begins, prepared or unprepared, most have no clue what lies ahead in the parenting realm.

Becoming a parent is much like immigration. Whether by free choice or necessity, you are moving to a new country – new cultures, people and experiences await you. You’re perhaps excited and nervous or scared and confused. Perhaps you’ve read up about the country or heard things from those who have been there before. You talk about all the things you’re going to do, what your house will look like, what the people are like… on the other side. But in truth, you have no idea until you get there. As you step off the plane, ship or vehicle in this new land, you realise this is no holiday destination. It’s not a momentary experience. It’s a permanent arrangement. You can’t continue as you have before – you are a citizen of a new country and you now have to learn how to live there. 

Strangely enough some people think that changing into a parent comes naturally – about as naturally as changing nationality. It takes time, effort and an openness to learn. As you enter this new arena of life, here are some things to consider…

  • Acknowledge your feelings. 

When changing from one country to another, there is a lot of emotion: excitement, grief, fear, curiosity, confusion. Allow yourself to feel. If you find yourself overwhelmed or insecure, you’re in good company. Most new parents do (most seasoned parents do). Baby blues are quite normal post-birth as hormone rage. Anxiety and low mood can be expected immediately after a major life event. Missing your partner, your pre-parent life, your sleep… yes, you’re allowed to grieve what is gone, or feels gone. Get all those feelings out in the open! Burying your emotions only allows them to morph into bigger, more complex ones. Recognising what we are feeling and why we are feeling a certain way helps us to find ways to work through them and find resolution. Some are highly gifted in being able to do this for themselves, but most of us need help. Talk to your spouse or partner, a friend or a health professional to help you understand where you are at emotionally and walk a journey with you to finding healthy ways to deal with those emotions. 

  • Explore your surroundings.

When you move to a new place, at first your world is small. You know the route from home to the closest shop, work and maybe one or two other places. But if you want to become part of the community, you need to step out and explore. You take a different route, discover some interesting restaurants, entertainment areas and community hang outs. You start to gain confidence and become settled in your environment. Some of your pre-planning may be in place and can be an anchor that gives you stability in this season of radical change. But sometimes it can also be a weight that holds you down and keeps you stuck in an ideal that is unrealistic. Some things you need to recognise are outside of your control and you need to explore your reality and figure out new ways to manage it well. A sleep routine is important to create stability for you and your new baby, but if your child is screaming for hours and hours in the cot, maybe considering co-sleeping is the better option for you all. What works for your friend or neighbour may not work for you. Consider your personality, pre-existing routines and habits, current needs and long-term goals. See what is working and enjoy the wins. What changes do you need to consider that will be beneficial and practical to ensure your own and your child’s wellbeing? In what area can you compromise? What issues are actually irrelevant? And what are you doing that may actually be harmful? What other ideas are out there that can be helpful? Parenting is a journey of discovery, so don’t be afraid to try and learn.

  • Talk to the locals.

The best way to understand a new place and its culture, is to get to know the people. Yes, some seasoned parents are opinionated, judgemental know-it-all’s. But some are open, generous and happy to walk the journey with you, because they’ve been in your shoes, and they remember how hard it was. Reach out to friends who have children, in the same age group or older, and ask them what worked and what didn’t. Speak to the older generation, listen to their wisdom – hindsight is 20/20. Get in touch with parent groups online or in your local community. It is such a relief to know you are not alone, and that your experiences are common experiences. 

  • Take it all in.

When you first move to a new area, you feel like a tourist. You make the most of the sights and opportunities, because it is all new. But after a while you take it for granted, and miss what’s right in front of you. Every day will hold new tasks, challenges, places to go and things to do. While being a parent is permanent, the stages of childhood fly by faster than you think. Take time to enjoy your child. In the busyness of the day to day, take moments to be present. Watch your baby. Stare into their eyes. Soak up their gummy smile. Hold their tiny hands and kiss their miniature toes. Cuddle your kids. Smell their hair. Listen to them breathe as they sleep. But don’t let this practice dwindle, especially in the challenging times. Mindfulness (being present in the moment) is well known in psychology as a key part in being happier, calmer and less stressed. Throughout the day, make time to just BE with your child. 

  • Ask for help

Relocating is considered one of the biggest stressors a person can experience. Often because one’s support system is left behind. In order to thrive you need to rebuild a support system around you, and this takes time and effort. As a parent, you need a support system. It takes a village to raise a child. Don’t try and parent on your own. Reach out to your support network of family and friends. Take their offers for date nights, meals and baby-sitting. Ask questions when you visit the baby clinic, social worker or your paediatrician for check-ups. The more questions you ask, the more you are able to learn. Read parenting books and blogs (be careful not to overwhelm yourself with too much information though). Seek parent guidance or therapy from a health professional if needed. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it is a sign of emotional intelligence – a healthy awareness of one’s strength and weaknesses, and engaging in helpful relationships leads to wellbeing. 

So, as you start (or maybe you are already well into) this journey of parenthood, may you engage in your parenting experiences with confidence. As you discover this new way of life with another (little) human being, may you create precious moments and fond memories. And as you settle into your new status, may you be brave enough to join with others, create community and together raise your child to be a valuable part of this world. 

Time is …more than… money.

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Time is a precious commodity! Funnily enough it is the one commodity that is shared equally by humanity. There is no stockpile in a specific country. There is no authority that distributes it to the highest bidder. It is given freely and fairly – 24 hours every day. If we think money is precious, and healthy financial functioning depends on wise investments and working within a budget, shouldn’t our approach to time be the same?

“Time is money”… or is it more valuable?

The problem is that we spend our 24hours on so much stuff – some important, some trivial. We stretch the time we have to cover more than it should (much like we try to do with our income). It is only after much time and much reflection that we evaluate the time we’ve spent and discover that what is most important to us hasn’t featured as much as we’d hoped. We need to identify what is a wise investment – what gives us a good return? We should evaluate our activities and the time available to us and plan how much time can be spent in these various areas, and where we have to say, “No!”.

One of the wise investment areas is quality time with our children. Investing is about putting a little bit away, regularly, over a long period of time. The earlier you start investing, even a little amount, the greater the return at the end of the investment period. The later your start, the more you have to put in. Often I hear parents complain that they don’t have time – and they feel guilty! I find myself in this place often. We try compensate with expensive toys and games, exhilarating experiences and over-the-top consolations.  Every day we promise ourselves to ‘make time’. But the reality is that makingtime is impossible. All we can do is prioritise our time differently.

Moments with our children are priceless – and like time are irreplaceable. The good news is that it is in the everyday moments that our investment grows. Don’t overlook them and don’t underestimate them.  

Small deposits, daily, over time.

Why not start with one or two of these time deposits every day:

  • Read a story together before bed.
  • Play dolls or cars instead of watching your early evening soapy.
  • Take an extra few minutes to make supper because your little one is your sous-chef for the evening. 
  • Pack the dishwasher or lunchboxes together. 
  • Eat dinner or breakfast together around a table – talk to each other about the day. 
  • Put down your technology, make eye contact. In fact, why not create a technology down time, where everyone’s technology gets turned off at a certain time of the day. 
  • Take leave for an afternoon to attend a sport match.
  • Use the time in the car to talk about what’s important to your child, instead of listening to the radio.
  • Walk to school together.
  • Ask their opinion on a family decision.
  • Ask them to teach you something you don’t know.
  • Air guitar together to music you both like.
  • Begin a weekend tradition where you engage with one another (Friday Braai Day or Park Run on Saturdays or Sunday Scrabble Wars).

May I encourage you, as a parent, acknowledge that time is your most precious commodity. And time with your children a priceless resource. Fight for it! Do not give it up for trivial pursuits. Prioritise the little things – a certain time to be engaged with your kids in simple ways, every day. It is here that you get to enjoy the precious moments. In the ordinary make extraordinary memories. Begin a wise investment today – small deposits, daily, over time.

One man’s trash, is another man’s treasure.

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Look beyond the broken and see the potential.

One of the benefits of living in Cape Town is the array of markets one has access to. Artisan foods, craft beers and upcycled products… it’s a wonderland of creative genius. My favourite stalls are run by those who have upcycled what others would have considered rubbish. A cup with a broken handle turned into a beautiful pot plant. An old window frame transformed into a work of art. Scraps of metal moulded into a magnificent baobab tree. What does it take for someone to look beyond the broken and see the potential? 

A different perspective.

Our approach in society is very much the same. There are two main perspectives in how we perceive and behave towards others who are different. The first is to focus on the problem. In psychology, this is known as the needs-based or medical model. Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine over the last few centuries, we’ve been able to isolate the root cause of diseases and find cures and preventions. However, it has also caused us to replicate this way of thinking in our everyday lives. “What’s the problem?” We ask ourselves.

As parents, we might see that our child’s behaviour is unacceptable and ask, “What’s wrong with this kid?” We might go further to ask, “What is happening at school? What am I doing wrong?” As a teacher, we may notice that a child is unable to complete the required tasks and think, “What’s wrong with this student?” We might have the insight to ask, “What is happening at home? Is there something going on in class? Am I doing something wrong?” These questions can help us unearth difficulties and challenges within and around a child.

Unfortunately, one problem just leads to another problem, and another, and another. It can leave us feeling overwhelmed, paralysed and disheartened. When all we can see is the problem, the person gets lost, labelled and belittled – the ADHD kid, the bully, the slow learner, the uncooperative one, the unavailable parent, the incompetent teacher… Much like the trash we so easily discard once it breaks, we discard the individual and replace them with a generalisation.

On the other hand, a different perspective is one that acknowledges that there is a problem. But it shifts the focus onto the skills and resources available. Strengths not only in the person, but around the person. This is known as an asset-based approach. This perspective requires a complete shift in thinking. Instead of asking, “What is wrong?” We ask, “What is useful?”

While a cup without a handle may not be suitable for drinking tea, it is still useful for holding substance – soil, a succulent, and some pebbles. A glassless window frame cannot keep the wind out of a house, but it can frame some precious memories. The asset-based approach recognises that the original design is not being achieved, but that the usefulness of product lies within its unique makeup. Instead of just seeing the child’s problem, we see the strengths of the child and utilise them to his or her benefit. We recognise that there may be difficulties within class, or home, or school, but we find those areas where the child flourishes and use them to his or her advantage. We build on the strengths so that the child has resources available to overcome the challenges. We recognise the individual’s uniqueness and see his or her potential for the future.

It means looking beyond the problem, and seeing the person.

Behind the D-Word

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The D-Word!!!! Feared by many – misunderstood by most… DISCIPLINE!!

I have heard some phrase it this way – “Discipline is not what you do to a child, but what you do for a child”. As a parent one of the key aspects of child rearing is discipline. We discipline our children for a number of reasons. Discipline teaches our children the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Discipline encourages self-control rather than chaos. Discipline encourages certain characteristics and values which we want our children to internalise.

 

We have all heard the phrase “Monkey See, Monkey Do”. The same is true for children. Parents discipline children through everyday interactions. There are a number of methods that are more effective than others when it comes to discipline – but I’ll leave that for another blog. As parents, we need to realize that children learn through watching us interact with the world. They often act out what they see us modeling. We then reinforce or discourage these actions as we engage our children.

For example, children learn how to have a voice by watching us voice our opinions and concerns, however they learn to use their voice when we allow them to voice their concerns and opinions. Do we speak and allow our children to speak out in an appropriate or inappropriate way? Children learn how to listen to others when then see and experience us listening, and they learn to listen when we expect them to listen in return. Do we listen with a half ear? Do we help our children focus before we start speaking? Children learn to respect others when they see how we respect others and when they receive respect from us. Children practice respect when we expect respect from them and correct them when they interact with others. Children see, Children do – and parents monitor and correct when necessary.

Before we get caught up with how we discipline – we as parents need to know why we discipline. If everything we do moulds our children for life, then what life do we want for our children?  We discipline them so they can learn behaviour, self-control, values and character that will lead them through life successfully. Ask yourself which values you are showing them today through your daily interactions with others and with them. Are you providing opportunities for them to outwork these values through behavioural expectations? Are you guiding them in the right direction when you see their interactions with others? Discipline is about teaching and learning – not just about doing or not doing.

As we live out our lives in front of our children and as we guide them through their daily interactions with ourselves and others, they glean from us and develop the skills and values they need to make their life a success now and in the future. Now that is discipline!

Welcome

I am a Psychologist practicing in the Northern Suburbs of Cape Town, in South Africa. I am passionate about family, relationships, education, community engagement, and children. My purpose, through the work I do, this blog and in my every day as an individual is to journey with others and motivate them to towards their full potential. I want to encourage parents, teachers and others who carry the mandate of raising  and equipping the next generation, assisting them through practical ideas, managing self-care and understanding their own path and how they intersect the lives of others. I believe that together we can journey beyond the challenges of now, toward the possibilities of tomorrow.

For the most part I will address issues based on research and scientific findings. However, I will also share some personal beliefs, opinions and experiences that have shaped how I see mental health and wellbeing, relationships, family, parenting, teaching and childhood development. My hope is that you will find this website helpful and informative. While these posts may be helpful, they cannot substitute the value and need for professional consultation. Please contact me should you require a therapeutic intervention.